Will you love me now?
Hey Lovelies,
Thank you for taking the time to continue this conversation from our video episode “Will you love me now?” with me. It’s a profound one, heavy with the weight of our shared human existence, yet undeniably worth every moment of reflection.
In our chaotic world, it becomes all too easy to neglect the fundamental essence of our human existence. Especially when the world constantly urges us to look for what we need outside of ourselves, in the noise that surrounds us.
Yet, what if we dared to do the opposite? What if we paused, even just for a moment, to truly embrace and love ourselves, creating a ripple effect that allows us to love others more genuinely?
It sounds idyllic, doesn’t it? But let's be real—self-love is a formidable endeavor, a deliberate journey, and one I still struggle with. I have all my life, and even after all these years, I still let the relentless noise and lies of the world play like a broken record in my mind.
The stark and painful truth remains: We can never truly receive love from others if we do not—first—love ourselves. And if we do not first love ourselves, we will be lost in the relentless quest for our core needs of connection, companionship, and respect, but in the wrong places and through misguided means.
In our latest YouTube journey, we explored narratives that unravel this conundrum, offering a foundation I hope leads us to deeper reflection on this theme in our own lives.
Upbringing & Survival Tactics
Despite Jens, Isai, and Fleur growing up under the same toxic environment (yep, most of us owe our trauma to our upbringing, unfortunately 🥲), each of them found their own individual way to deal with the unhealthy environment they could not escape.
Jens, the eldest, tried to appease his parents by being the perfect child. He tried to meet all their expectations, especially when being portrayed as the “golden child” in his father’s business campaigns.
Isai, unable to conform to ridiculous rules due to ADHD, rebelled against her parents with uncontrollable resistance. She was only met back with more force, leading her into depression. They tagged her as “the unstable child”, and she used this new identity in resentment to survive their upbringing.
Fleur, the last child, knew quickly that by making herself small and invisible, her parents would overlook her existence. Yet, she also knew that even being the “quiet child” required academic perfection, so she buried herself in academics and only spoke through her achievements.
Their stories show us that even those who experience similar traumas can react differently to survive. I find that refreshing. Why? Because it means we should get rid of the bias of expecting people to react a certain way to a certain incident. Each of us, with our unique DNA and instinctual responses like fight or flight, processes the world differently, and this too affects how we find our own way to survive in it.
So how about we cut each other some slack, huh? Perhaps it's time we offer each other more empathy and grace, recognizing the difficult journey of survival we all share—this is one small step towards healing as the singular organism we are.
Unsolved Trauma = Present Decisions
The cycle of cause and effect guarantees that Jens, Isai, and Fleur’s trauma didn’t simply end after they escaped the four walls of their childhood home. That’s the thing with trauma, guys, we keep running—I know, I’m a runner—but it’s elusive and persistent and only catches up with us. Control isn't about hiding it away; control is facing it, even when it feels like it might kill you (ha! I’m learning this painfully 🥲).
Jens, deprived of love, respect, and acceptance as a child, especially as a teen during his struggle with his sexuality, sought these vital needs with resentment in dangerous places. And it makes sense, people, if you are not taught what love and safety are in your primary circle (family), then you will most likely not know how to filter it out from the rest. Lacking fundamental emotional needs as a child, Jens grew up seeking love in toxic relationships, drugs, and parties. He was probably viewed as some wild, reckless soul, but honestly, it was just trauma.
Isai had her cards stacked against her, having ADHD in a home filled with strict, unbearable, and unrealistic expectations. She processed the world differently and needed more sensitivity, yet she did not even receive the bare minimum. Stuck in a circle she couldn’t escape, she fell into depression and drug use to self-medicate. Her parents took her to get help, but only as a power tactic to prove she was unstable. A belief she carried so deeply, over the years, until it became her identity. It molded how she saw herself in relationships—worthless, constantly needing to mean something to someone. It took years of being in and out of clinics for her mental health and addictions to finally ease the betrayal of her childhood. All the toxic circles she fell into weren’t based simply on poor intentions; they were based on a need to be heard, accepted, and seen—something that we all deserve.
Fleur’s ability to detach, become small and invisible, served her well until it became prison walls that made her vulnerable to further abuse. From her parents, she had learnt to be silent, to be agreeable, to never resist instruction, and to always say “yes.” It created a circle of codependence that led to her being abused in a way no one should ever have to endure. Her silence created a wall of isolation that gave her no room to create a healthy support group. It wasn’t just naivety; it was the only way she knew how to see the world. She desired to build community, to be accepted, to be anything that is seen—something her parents withheld—this is what led to her decisions.
Mirror Mirror… How do we do the same?
The narratives of their lives easily mirror ours, showing how past trauma shapes our present.
Somewhere along the line, we’ve been hurt, betrayed, and made to feel insignificant in ways we were most vulnerable. So we do the only thing we can do to survive—we adapt. We change—for the better, or the worse. We build up walls to protect ourselves. We create a persona based on what we believe others want. We hide. We hide. We hide.
But, darlings, we are learning that that is not control.
Those hurts—whether childhood deep or later—subconsciously mold our beliefs about ourselves. So we have to face them and question their lies.
I know, I know, it’s easier said than done. I still struggle every day to remind myself that my trauma is what’s broken, not me.
I remind myself that I am worthy, loved, and whole, and I need no one else to make it so.
I remind myself that I am not weak, I simply need support to work through the only broken reality I have known (yes, please get help—we were not made to do life alone or face some battles independently.)
I remind myself that I have felt horrible gut-wrenching pain, so I can choose to do better, to do good to others. I can choose to break my cycle of abuse.
So what’s yours?
What’s the hurt? What’s the lie? What’s the mask? And what’s the truth?
I leave you with these questions and quotes to think on…
